MARK’S IMPROBABLE FRENCH HISTORY.

There is something about the way I tell history stories that makes people say: “I don’t believe that happened. Mark must have made up that story.” People often tell me that they check out my stories on Google because they don’t believe them. Have you ever checked out one of my improbable stories?

“I am the President of France.” In May 1920, President Paul Deschanel of France was traveling on his presidential train. During the night, as the train was passing Orléans, south of Paris, Deschanel opened the window of his sleeping car, leaned out too far, and fell out of the window. He suffered only minor injuries from the fall, remarkable for a man of 64. Deschanel walked up to the nearest person, a track inspector and said: “Don’t be alarmed. I am the President of France.” He was wearing nothing but his pajamas. The track inspector assumed the man was drunk and replied: “Certainly you are, and I am Napoleon Bonaparte.” The track inspector took Deschanel to his house and called a doctor. The doctor confirmed that the man actually was the president of France to the astonishment of the track inspector. When the story was published in French newspapers, Deschanel became a national laughing stock and was forced to resign.

European history might have played out very differently if Deschanel had not fallen out of the window of his sleeping car. In the French presidential election earlier in 1920, Deschanel ran against Georges Clemenceau, the principal author of the Treaty of Versailles. Deschanel was a critic of the treaty. He won in a landslide, ending Clemenceau’s career. Deschanel wanted to renegotiate parts of the Treaty of Versailles with the new German government, but those plans came to an end with his resignation. Deschanel worried that a future German government might remilitarize the Rhineland, placing troops right on France’s border. Clemenceau argued that there was no need to worry about that since the treaty prohibited Germany from ever placing troops in the Rhineland.

The Man Who Sold the Eiffel Tower. Victor Lustig was the most successful swindler in history. In the 1920s, Lustig sold the Eiffel Tower to wealthy businessmen. Lustig impersonated a French government official. He told scrap metal dealers that the French government was going to tear down the Eiffel Tower and sell the steel for scrap. He convinced these businessmen to pay him huge sums of money for the Eiffel Tower. The French police were aware of what Lustig was doing, but they were unable to prosecute him because his victims refused to testify against him. Lustig’s victims were prominent businessmen and did not want to look like fools in court. Eventually, the French government issued a warrant for Lustig’s arrest, but Lustig escaped to the United States just ahead of the police. In the United States, Lustig invented new swindles. Lustig talked Al Capone into investing $50,000 in one of Lustig’s scams. This was a very risky thing for Lustig to do. $50,000 was a huge amount of money in the 1920s, and Al Capone was a very dangerous person to play for a sucker. However, Al Capone never found out that Lustig had conned him. I wonder if this story was the inspiration for the movie ‘The Sting.’ It sounds very similar.

THE HISTORY CHANNEL IS AN ENTERTAINMENT CHANNEL, NOT A HISTORY CHANNEL.

I sometimes wonder how many people watch the History Channel in the belief that their shows and the stories they tell are real history. Some of their shows are fairly obviously fiction, like shows claiming to be a history of alliances between space aliens, the Illuminati, the Freemasons, and the Vatican; but many shows that appear to be real are actually faked and staged. The most popular of these is the History Channel’s show Pawn Stars. Pawn Stars appears to be filmed in a real pawn shop in Las Vegas, but it is actually filmed in a fake pawn shop next door to the real one. The people coming into the fake pawn shop are paid actors, and the items they are trying to sell have been researched in advance, which is why the pawn shop owners know so much about them. This show is scripted and rehearsed. Nothing is real. Many other popular History Channel shows appear to be real and unrehearsed but are also staged and scripted, including Mountain Men, American Restoration, American Pickers, and Ancient Aliens.

The Vatican Observatory and Space Lizards. The Vatican owns an astronomical observatory in Arizona. This observatory is the basis of countless conspiracy theories claiming some sort of alliance between space aliens and the Vatican. Several ‘reality TV’ shows claim that the Pope, Hillary Clinton, and Queen Elizabeth are all super-smart lizards from a mystery planet and that they communicate with their home planet through the Vatican observatory. If this subject interests you, you can research it yourself. There are lots of ‘exposes’ on websites, TV, and YouTube videos about reptilian world leaders. Below is a photo that appeared in a newspaper in Scotland claiming to show what Queen Elizabeth looks like with her ‘human disguise’ on and off. The idea that the Pope is a reptile from outer space was frequently parodied on the TV show Futurama; however, on Futurama, the ‘Space Pope’ was a crocodile, not a lizard. It seems hard for me to believe that anyone takes this stuff seriously, but angry pickets show up at the White House every now and then demanding that the president get rid of the space lizards in the government.


Why Does the Vatican Have an Observatory? The Vatican got interested in astronomy a long time ago, but it was for theological reasons, not to communicate with space lizards. For over 1,500 years, Europeans used the Julian calendar, which contained numerous errors. The most serious error in the Julian calendar was that it assumed that every year was exactly 365.25 days long. That overestimated the length of a year by about 1 day per century. That may not seem like a lot, but it meant that by the 16th Century, Christians were celebrating Easter, Christmas, and other holidays 2 weeks earlier than they should. This greatly concerned Pope Gregory XIII, who ordered that a group of Vatican astronomers develop a far more accurate calendar, which they did after years of research and astronomical observations. In 1582, the Catholic church adopted the Gregorian calendar, which is now used nearly everywhere in the world. As I said, this had nothing to do with space lizards.

BAD HISTORY.

There is an appalling amount of misinformation in history books written for children. Maybe I am too fussy about this because I teach history. Take a look at the photo below from the children’s book: ‘The Lives of the Great Composers.’ Beethoven was a musical genius, but I’m pretty sure that he couldn’t write music after his death. The book also says that: “Wolfgang Mozart was born in 1756. He astonished the musical world when he wrote the Minuet in G in 1751.” Mozart wrote the Minuet in G when he was only 5 years old, which is pretty astonishing; however, it would have been even more astonishing if he had written it 5 years before he was born.

More Gems From My History Students.

I collect gems of bad writing from my history students. Here are some goodies from my students’ homework of long ago.

“Napoleon Bonaparte was as short as he was tall. That’s called a Napoleon complex.”

“The first time John F. Kennedy was assassinated was in Dallas, Texas. The second time was in Washington, D.C.”
 

“Joan of Arc defeated the English in the Hundred Years War. Even after the English burned her at the stake, Joan would not give up and continued to fight the English until they left France.”

“King Louis XIV raised taxes in France sky high, filling his coiffures with gold.”

“Coluche the clown ran for president of France. Coluche was world famous, but only in France.”

“We took a tour of Notre Dame cathedral in Paris. The tour guide was a French priest who spoke English surprisingly well considering how short he was.”

Alexander the Great was needed back in Greece, but he was in Persia, and he couldn’t be in 2 places at the same time. Only Roman generals could do that.”

“During the Gold Rush, wagon trains heading for California went right through Salt Lake City, where the miners stopped to buy salt water taffy from the Mormons.”

“Christopher Columbus is buried in Spain and the Dominican Republic.”

Mark’s Improbable History

I teach American history at a junior high school in Orinda. My students often tell me that I tell them stories in a way that makes it sound like I made it all up, but that isn’t true. I don’t make up these stories. History is full of odd coincidences and strange people. Thomas Hardy said: “While much is too strange to be believed, nothing is too strange to have happened.” Here is a tale of an odd coincidence.

Jefferson and Adams. As every American schoolchild knows (or should know), the Declaration of Independence was written by Thomas Jefferson and John Adams. After the Revolutionary War was over, Jefferson and Adams became political enemies. It wasn’t just because Adams was against slavery and Jefferson owned a lot of slaves. They had completely opposite political philosophies. Adams was the head of the Federalist Party, and Jefferson was the head of the anti-Federalists. For over 20 years, Jefferson and Adams did not speak to each other, but in their old age, they patched up their differences and became friends and pen pals, writing to each other frequently. On July 4, 1826; exactly 50 years to the day after Thomas Jefferson and John Adams signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776; John Adams died at his home in Quincy, Massachusetts. On his deathbed, John Adams’ final words were: “At least Jefferson still lives!” However, unknown to Adams, Thomas Jefferson died shortly before Adams that same day at Monticello in Virginia, and Jefferson’s final thoughts were of Adams.