GOOD FURNITURE.

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Fifty years ago, my father Allen Tarses and his brother Sol owned a furniture store in Baltimore, Maryland called the North Company. Most of the furniture they sold was of low quality. I remember that my father used to tell people: “The only really good piece of furniture that most people ever buy in their lifetime is a coffin. Then they bury it in the ground a few days later.” That sounds funny, but it’s true! None of the furniture in most people’s homes is made as well as the average coffin.  Coffins are usually made out of wood or metal. Coffins that are made out of wood are usually made out of solid hardwood, like oak or maple, not like Ikea furniture, much of which is just veneer over particle board. The joinery in coffins is typically of the very best quality as well, with dovetail joints. Coffins that are made out of metal are usually made out of brass or stainless steel. The finishes, paint, and varnishes are also top quality, and the inside of coffins are lined with silk. Now tell me, is the furniture in your house made as well as the coffins I just described? Probably not. You see, my father was right. It was true about coffins back then, and is still true today. There is nothing in the home of the average American that is made as well as the coffins they buy. Then they bury these coffins in the ground 1 or 2 days later, never be seen again. Doesn’t it seem that there is something odd about that? It wasn’t always this way. Until the 20th Century, only rich and famous people were buried in expensive or professionally made coffins. Nearly everybody else was buried in simple pine boxes or just put in the ground wrapped in a simple piece of cloth.

FRIVOLOUS LAWSUITS. (At least I think these lawsuits are frivolous.)

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HILTON HEAD COCKTAIL NAPKINS. Take a look at the 2 photos below. The first photo is of a cocktail napkin used at the bars at Omni’s Hilton Head Island Resort in South Carolina. The second photo is a close-up of the napkin showing the words ‘CAUTION. Not to be used for navigation’ in small type printed on it. (You can probably already guess what happened.) A man drinking at a hotel bar took one of their cocktail napkins back to his boat with him. The image on the napkin is of an antique map of Hilton Head Island. The man (I don’t know how sober he was) tried navigating his boat through the shallows near the island using the map on the cocktail napkin as his guide. The boat crashed onto a rock, completely destroying the boat. The man sued the hotel on the grounds that the map failed to show the rock that he crashed onto. The hotel settled with the man before the case went to trial. Now the hotel prints ‘CAUTION. Not to be used for navigation’ on their cocktail napkins. If you were on the jury, how would you have ruled in this case? Would you have awarded any money to the boat owner?

CHECK YOUR CARBON MONOXIDE DETECTORS.

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There are several carbon monoxide (CO) detectors in your apartment or house. Always remember that carbon monoxide detectors need to be able to sniff the air if they are going to protect you from carbon monoxide poisoning. If they can’t smell the air, they are useless. Do you have furniture up against a CO detector? Are the air intake holes in your carbon monoxide detector blocked by something? If so, you have effectively disabled that carbon monoxide detector. Check your carbon monoxide detectors. Do you have stuff blocking their ability to sniff the air?

Should carbon monoxide detectors be mounted near the floor or the ceiling? It doesn’t seem to matter. I went to landlord association meeting once where safety expects debated this question, but without coming to a conclusion. Carbon monoxide is heavier than air, so it would seem logical to assume that carbon monoxide concentration should be greater at the floor than at the ceiling. However, it isn’t that simple. Generally, when carbon monoxide is present in a room, it is coming from a kitchen stove or a gas furnace. All stoves and furnaces produce warm air, and warm air rises to the ceiling, taking carbon monoxide with it. Also, carbon monoxide is only slightly heavier than air, so the natural movement of air in a room can make carbon monoxide circulate throughout the room. As a result, it doesn’t seem to matter whether a carbon monoxide detector is mounted near the floor or the ceiling. What does matter is whether the carbon monoxide detector has an unobstructed ability to smell the air, which is all-important. I mount carbon monoxide detectors near the floor, where it is easier for tenants to read and test their carbon monoxide detectors. Also, if a false alarm goes off, I don’t want a tenant to have to get on a ladder to silent it.

PINKY MacARTHUR, THE ULTIMATE HELICOPTER MOM.

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I suppose teenagers and college students have always complained about helicopter parents, parents who overparent, overwatch their children, and keep their kids on too short a leash. For an extreme example of overparenting, I don’t think you can beat Pinky MacArthur. She was the widow of General Arthur MacArthur, a famous Civil War general. She was also the mother of General Douglas MacArthur. Douglas MacArthur arrived at West Point in 1899 at the age of 19. As soon as he got there, his mother Pinky left her home in San Antonio, Texas and moved to West Point as well, where she rented an apartment directly across the street from the military academy. As soon as she settled in to her new apartment, Pinky purchased a powerful telescope which she mounted in her front window. The telescope was aimed at her son’s dorm room. She watched her son Douglas every night while he was doing his homework through the telescope and let him know that she was watching him. She sent notes to her son when she felt he wasn’t spending enough time on his assignments or was goofing off. Strangely, Douglas MacArthur never complained about this. Wouldn’t you? Pinky’s overparenting seems to have paid off. Douglas MacArthur graduated West Point in 1904, first in his class. During World War 1, he became a nationally famous war hero, and in 1922, became superintendent of West Point. Douglas MacArthur became a 5-star general during World War 2 and Supreme Allied Commander during the Korean War.

So – would you feel that your mother was violating your rights if she did what Pinky MacArthur did when her son went to college?

LAKE TAHOE SOUVENIRS.

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Salt Lake City. Last month, I wrote that salt water taffy is the top-selling souvenir purchased by tourists visiting Salt Lake City, and tourists buy the stuff simply because they make a mental association between salt water taffy and the Great Salt Lake, even though there is no salt water in salt water taffy. Since then, 2 very well-educated people I know and who read my newsletter told me that purchased salt taffy at the Salt Lake City airport as souvenir gifts and assumed that it was made from Great Salt Lake water. Well, I saw the same sort of thing at Lake Tahoe last week. I was at the lake for a couple of days. While I was there, I visited a number of the souvenir stores that line Highway 50, the main street in town.

Huckleberries. Huckleberry food products were – by far – the best selling edible souvenir at Lake Tahoe. Several gift shops at South Lake Tahoe had big displays of huckleberry products, including Lake Tahoe brand huckleberry jam and jelly, huckleberry taffy, huckleberry syrup, huckleberry truffles, etc. All of them had the name of the lake on the label. However, there are no huckleberries at Lake Tahoe. They don’t grow anywhere in the Lake Tahoe basin. So why do tourists buy this stuff? It is simply because people mentally associate huckleberries with the mountains, and there are plenty of mountains at Lake Tahoe. The fact that there are no huckleberries at Lake Tahoe doesn’t matter at all.

Moose. Nearly every souvenir shop at Lake Tahoe had clothes for sale with pictures of moose on them. I also saw plenty of carved moose figurines and moose ash trays with ‘Lake Tahoe’ on them as well. People buy moose clothes at Lake Tahoe for the same reason they buy Lake Tahoe huckleberry jam. People make a mental association between moose and pine-covered mountains. However, moose are not mountain dwellers. Moose do not live in steep terrain, like mountain goats. Besides, there are no moose at Lake Tahoe. In fact, there are no moose anywhere in either Nevada or California. The nearest moose are hundreds of miles away.

Clam Chowder. I am beginning to think that this sort of thing happens at all tourist destinations. People buy souvenirs based not on what is actually there but rather based on the things that they mentally associate with the place. I suppose that is why the Number 1 selling menu item at restaurants at Fisherman’s Wharf in San Francisco and the Santa Cruz Pier is clam chowder served in a hollowed out bread bowl. However, the only restaurants in California that I am aware of that offer this dish are at places where tourists eat. It’s not a local dish. You won’t find clam chowder in a bread bowl at restaurants where native Californians eat. Besides, clam chowder is a New England dish, and New England is a long way from California. All of the clam chowder at Fisherman’s Wharf is made from concentrate or from imported canned clams. There is no commercial clam fishing in California.

WHOLE FOODS.

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Now that Amazon owns Whole Foods, I hope – and sincerely hope – that they will get rid of the snake oil section at Whole Foods stores. It’s is a pretty big section of their stores. Have you ever read the labels of the health and beauty products at Whole Foods? You should! They sell products that sound like they can treat all sorts of medical problems, but don’t actually say that they do anything at all; products like ‘herbal liver cleanser’, ‘herbal colon cleaner’, & ‘kidney tonic.’ Products like these remind me of the traveling snake oil salesmen of the 19th Century. Whole Foods sells a lot of medicine of dubious efficacy, like homeopathic headache remedies, but they don’t sell aspirin, Tylenol, or Advil. Why? Store employees will tell you that they don’t sell these products because they aren’t ‘natural.’ The fact that they work is irrelevant. Never forget this – ‘natural’ does not mean ‘good for you.’ Arsenic, cyanide, and rattlesnake venom are all natural products. They are all found in nature, but that doesn’t mean that they are ‘good for you.’ They also sell a lot of gluten-free toiletries at Whole Foods, such as their own store brand of gluten-free baby shampoo. Now OK, the baby shampoo they sell at Safeway and Giant supermarkets doesn’t say ‘gluten-free’ on the label, but so what? You aren’t planning to feed shampoo to your baby, are you? I never buy anything at Whole Foods health section, but I do sometimes look at the people buying stuff there and wonder: “What is that person thinking?” Most of the customers buying these products look intelligent and well-educated. Today, I overheard a customer at Whole Foods ask a store employee: “Do you sell gluten-free eye shadow?” Yes, it turned out that they did have gluten-free eye shadow.

WORST APPLICATION EVER.

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“I Have a Jack Daniels Terrier.” I recently rented a big house here in Berkeley. I once got an application for this house from a woman that immediately aroused my suspicion, but as my sister Bonnie says, I have a suspicious nature. Why, I asked myself, would a single woman want to rent a 5 bedroom house by herself? Of course that’s legal, but it’s not normal. After reviewing her application form, I said: “I see you have a pet. You wrote down that your pet is a Jack Daniels Terrier. Don’t you mean a Jack Russell Terrier?” She seemed annoyed by my question. She said: “No. I meant what I said. I have a Jack Daniels Terrier.” I said: “Uh, you own a dog, right?” She said: “Yes, you know I do,” sounding increasingly annoyed. I said: “Well, I’ve never heard of a Jack Daniels Terrier before. Are you sure you don’t mean a Jack Russell Terrier?” Then she blew a gasket! She said angrily: “I’ve told you 3 times now that I own a Jack Daniels Terrier. You’re one of them, aren’t you?” I didn’t reply to that question. I didn’t know what she meant. Then she stood up and gathered up her stuff and said as she left: “I know you’re one of them.” She said that several times, but she never explained what she meant by that. When I went home, I looked up ‘Jack Daniels Terrier’ on Google, just to make sure that there really is no such breed, and as I suspected, there isn’t. I decided not to rent my house to that woman – or her Jack Daniels Terrier. I rented the house to a nice bunch of U.C. Berkeley chemistry grad students instead. Here is a photo of a Jack Russell Terrier. Notice the distinctive upturned tail, a characteristic of this breed. I wonder what a Jack Daniels Terrier might look like.

Rosemary.

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If you are renting a house or apartment from me, you will find a rosemary bush somewhere in your yard – and a big one too! I like rosemary. We have the ideal climate in the San Francisco bay area for growing rosemary. Rosemary stays green and harvestable all year long, even during the dry summer months. Rosemary is an underused herb. It has a warm, piney flavor that is particularly good with lamb, beef, and chicken. Its OK to use dried rosemary in dishes that are cooked for a long time with moist heat, like soups and stews, but because dried rosemary takes a long time to rehydrate, you should use fresh rosemary for most other things, like salad dressings and marinates.

Rosemary Olive Oil. If you would like to give somebody an attractive gift from your kitchen, try rosemary olive oil. Always use fresh-cut rosemary to make this. Cut a few small springs off the rosemary bush. Wash and thoroughly dry the sprigs. Place the springs in a clear glass bottle or jar and fill with olive oil. That’s all there is to it! It’s that simple! Rosemary olive oil looks nice and tastes good too. What could b easier? You can also make rosemary vinegar the same way. Store it in a cool place or the refrigerator and use within a month. They sell attractive kitchen bottles and jars at Ikea that are suitable for this. Considering how easy this is to make, it is surprising how expensive rosemary olive oil is in gourmet food stores.

Hebrew Tattoos.

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Tattoos in Hebrew have become very popular. I see them everywhere. Unfortunately, very few tattoo artists can actually read or write Hebrew, and this has led to a lot of misspelled and mistranslated Hebrew tattoos. Below is a tattoo on the arm of a man in Bentonville, Arkansas. He thought his tattoo meant ‘strength’ in Hebrew. It actually says ‘matzo.’ He had this tattoo on his arm for years before he found out the true meaning after he met a real Jew for the first time in his life, who translated it for him. The other picture is that of a more commonly misspelled Hebrew tattoo. The tattoo artist made a small mistake in the shape of one of the letters. This tattoo is supposed to be the name of God in Hebrew. Instead it says: ‘He shall be pregnant.’ This is not an isolated case. It appears that there are many other people in the United States, mostly fundamentalist Christians, with tattoos on them that say ‘He shall be pregnant”. Misspelled Hebrew tattoos have been seen all over the U.S. There are several web sites that just show pictures of misspelled Hebrew tattoos. Here is one of these web sites. Bad Hebrew Tattoos.

Jews and Tattoos. The Bible prohibits Jews from getting tattoos. In the Book of Leviticus it says: “You must not put tattoo markings upon yourself.” This line was part of a larger prohibition against idolatry. At the time the Old Testament was written, it was a common practice in the Middle East for people to tattoo the names and images of their gods on their bodies. Up until World War 2, it was generally only the orthodox Jews who took the Biblical prohibition on tattoos seriously, but after the war, tattoos became a taboo for Jews everywhere. Immediately upon entering Nazi concentration camps, Jews were tattooed with numbers on their arms. After the war, tattoos became an unpleasant and unwanted reminder of the Holocaust for Jews. Today, it is virtually impossible to find a tattoo artist who is Jewish or who can actually read Hebrew.

More Gems From My History Students.

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I collect gems of bad writing from my history students. Here are some goodies from my students’ homework of long ago.

“Napoleon Bonaparte was as short as he was tall. That’s called a Napoleon complex.”

“The first time John F. Kennedy was assassinated was in Dallas, Texas. The second time was in Washington, D.C.”
 

“Joan of Arc defeated the English in the Hundred Years War. Even after the English burned her at the stake, Joan would not give up and continued to fight the English until they left France.”

“King Louis XIV raised taxes in France sky high, filling his coiffures with gold.”

“Coluche the clown ran for president of France. Coluche was world famous, but only in France.”

“We took a tour of Notre Dame cathedral in Paris. The tour guide was a French priest who spoke English surprisingly well considering how short he was.”

“Alexander the Great was needed back in Greece, but he was in Persia, and he couldn’t be in 2 places at the same time. Only Roman generals could do that.”

“During the Gold Rush, wagon trains heading for California went right through Salt Lake City, where the miners stopped to buy salt water taffy from the Mormons.”

“Christopher Columbus is buried in Spain and the Dominican Republic.”