A lot of products come with worthless guarantees. Remember, product guarantees are written by lawyers working for product manufacturers, not consumers. I sometimes read guarantees on products with a suspicious eye when I am in stores. (My Uncle Maurice used to do this with me. He was good at finding dubious guarantees.) Here are 2 of my favorites. California Fire Logs. There used to be a convenience store next to Berkeley Bowl that sold fake fireplace logs. You have probably seen these in stores. Fake fireplace logs are shaped like logs but are made out of sawdust and wax. This store sold a brand called California Fire Logs. On the front label of these logs it said in a big starburst: “New and Improved! Now guaranteed not to explode in normal use.” I remember thinking: “Hmmmm. Now exactly what does that mean? If this log explodes in my fireplace and burns down my house, who gets to decide what ‘normal use’ means? Do I get to decide that or do they?” The other product is Star of India Cobra Repellent. I have a box of this somewhere in my house. This product was made in India for sale in India. On the front of the box it says: “Warranty. If our product fails to keep cobras out of your house, we will refund your purchase price.” I thought: “Hmmm. If this product fails to keep cobras out of my house, who gets the refund check? My estate?”
Mark Tarses Newsletter
